Holes in the Floor of Heaven

Okay, so this one may be a long one, but it's something that I hope to never forget. As many of you may know from my postings on Facebook, my wonderful Grandma Freestone passed away last week on Friday, February 18, 2011 around 3:00am. It's been a whirlwind of a week since that morning, and I will attempt to record my feelings and experiences here. This is going to be kind of like my journal entry so bare with me. =)

Well, around 3:15 Friday morning Dad came downstairs into mine and Shayla's room, flipped on the light, and said, "You guys need to come help your mom. Grandma died, and we're going to Arizona as soon as we can get packed." I just remember feeling shocked and still trying to process what was going on, but I got up and went promptly upstairs. It must have processed a bit quicker for Shayla however, because she immediately burst into tears. When I got upstairs Mom was in a panic. She was crying and trying to pack at the same time. I'd never seen her like that before, and my heart hurt for her. She asked me to call Tonya and Tiffany to let them know. I called Tonya, and through my tears explained what had happened and asked her to pray for Mom. Then I called Tiffany and said the same thing. Thankfully Tonya lived down in Arizona, so she was able to leave soon thereafter and was able to offer Grandfather some love and support.

The family was all packed and ready to go around 4:00 am, so we said a prayer, and they took off in the camper. Shayla and I were left behind to resolve things with work before we took off. As soon as the family was out of sight, Shayla and I walked back into the house and immediately hit our knees in the family room and said a prayer of thanks for our knowledge of the Plan of Salvation and plead for comfort for Mom and her siblings, us, the rest of the family, and especially for Grandfather.

A few minutes later Lynnae called and said she was about to pull into our driveway. We both rushed outside and embraced Lynnae inn the driveway as we all sobbed together. It was such a blessing to have her so nearby and to be able to bond as cousins that morning. We eventually walked inside, said another prayer, and cried and talked about memories that we had of our wonderful grandma. Lynnae talked about how grateful she was that her and Ryan (her new fiance) had been down in Mesa just last weekend so that Ryan could meet Grandma and Grandfather. She said that she had told Grandma that they were going to be married in the Arizona Temple so that they could be there too and Grandma had been so excited about that. We talked about how Grandma would still be able to be there- just not as we had expected, but she would definitely be there because the Arizona Temple is the "true temple" as Grandma always said. When we were through talking we put on some home videos and remembered some of the older good times with Grandma.

The rest of the day was spent just being together with me, Shayla, Lynnae, and Tiff. We all spoke with our works to let them know of the situation, and then we packed. We decided that we wanted to go to the temple, but on our way there Tiff realized that she had forgotten her recommend, so we went back home, changed back into jeans, and went to the Pizza Factory for bread sticks. That night we all spent the night at Tiff and Scott's, and then we took off towards Arizona at 4:30 the next morning.  One important thing to note is that when I woke up that morning I had a song in my head- a song that I hadn't heard for probably about five years or so. The song was "Holes in the Floor of Heaven". I realized it as I was getting my stuff gathered together and knew that it had to have been some sort of message sent to me by Grandma. I could feel that it was different than just having a random song in my head.

So, after we gathered and packed all of our stuff we hit the road. Here begins another adventure. What should have been a nine and a half hour drive to Grandfather's turned into a fifteen and a half hour drive. As soon as we got past Beaver we were in the middle of a big snow storm- a blizzard actually. We had me, Tiff, and Scott in her CRV and Lynnae and Shayla in Lynnae's little car behind us. We proceeded for hours in the blizzard going about 35mph max. After a few miles however, Scott did switch cars because Lynnae was so terrified to drive in the storm. At one point Tiff and I must have hit some black ice or something because we all of a sudden began sliding. We spun backwards and were sliding slowly toward the guard rail. I remember thinking, "We're not going fast enough to tip over the guard rail, but please don't let us hit it anyway!" We stopped just inches before we hit it. Thankfully Scott had been driving far enough behind us that he was able to stop before he hit us and there were no other cars coming in both directions, so we were able to turn the car back around and continued on our way.

A couple of hours later we were just driving along and all of a sudden this little sport's car (not really sure what he was doing on the road at this time anyway) that was heading the opposite direction started fish tailing in front of us, turned sideways, and was sliding directly toward Tiff and I. We were all driving so slow that we had time to talk and think as all this was happening. Tiff just said, "I can't do anything. I can't slam on my breaks and I can't turn or else we'll slide off the road," so we continued moving directly toward him with the wheel ever so slightly turned toward the shoulder of the road. Just before the car slid right into us it all of a sudden switched directions and ended up on the other side of the road in a ditch. It was definitely the hand of God that kept us safe. Or, Mom thinks it was Grandma pushing the car away from us. =) The sad part was that we couldn't even stop to help the poor guy because if we had we would have been stuck too and that wouldn't have helped anything or anyone, so we continued on our way.

A few minutes after that experience took place, we got reception on our phones again and Dad called. He asked how we were and where we were. I told him we were doing fine and told him briefly of the most recent experience and lost reception right after I had finished telling him of it. Of course I was thinking, "Whoops... Now he's going to be freaking out." We kept driving for a bit and I just turned to Tiff and said, "I'll bet the whole family just knelt down and said a prayer for us." As soon as I had said that the snow turned to rain and the ice disappeared. We were so relieved! It was a complete downpour of rain, but at least it wasn't snow and ice. There wasn't even snow on the side of the road or anything. It had completely disappeared. We continued at a slightly faster pace through the down pour of rain, but still couldn't go too fast because the rain was so heavy that we couldn't see very well even with the windshield wipers on full speed.

We made it to Kanab finally and stopped to eat lunch at Wendy's. After lunch we hit the road again. This time Scott returned to Tiff's car and attempted to sleep in the back seat, and Lynnae decided she felt comfortable driving her own car now. After a couple of miles the rain turned to snow again, and our speed was decreased back down to 30-35 mph. We reached Flagstaff around 3:30 pm and were debating on whether we should continue on or if we should stay the night with some friends there in Flagstaff. We spoke with Dad, and he thought that we should continue on because the storm wasn't supposed to stop anytime soon and we might get snowed in if we stayed, so we hopped on the connecting highway to the freeway that would take us to Mesa. When we were about 3/4 of a mile from our exit, traffic came to stand still. We were there for about 30 minutes and were thinking that we might have to stay the night after all if traffic didn't start moving soon because everything would freeze within the next hour or so. When traffic did start moving again Dad thought that we would still be okay to go, so we continued forward.

About ten minutes after we got on the freeway headed towards Mesa we received a phone call from Shayla (in Lynnae's car behind us) just informing us that Lynnae needed to go the bathroom, so we should probably stop at the first opportunity that we came to. Well, seeing as there was about 5 inches of snow on all the exits and it was still snowing pretty bad there really was nowhere to stop. So, we got a call about 5 minutes later saying that Lynnae was crying because she had to pee so bad. I explained that there was no way we could get off on any of the exits and be able to get back on, so the only options she had were to either wait an hour or two till we got out of the snow or to pull over and go in the snow on the side of the road. Lynnae thought about it for several minutes and decided we should just pull over.

So, the first chance we got, where the snow wasn't quite as deep as the other parts, we pulled over to the side of the road. Tiffany put her car in park and then realized that Lynnae's car was sliding towards hers. She quickly shifted back into drive and moved up just in enough time for Lynnae to get her car stopped. Lynnae dashed out of her car as Shayla opened the passenger door. The plan was that Lynnae would open the back passenger door and then proceed to go potty in between both doors so that she wouldn't be exposed to everyone passing by. Well, Lynnae ran around to the passenger side of the car, opened the back passenger door and then dropped her pants behind the door instead of in front of it. Basically she could have just gone right behind the car and it would have been just the same. Everyone had plenty of time to see her as they passed by at 30 mph. It was probably one of the most hilarious things I've ever seen. After Lynnae had relieved herself she stood up, pulled her pants up, and said, "I feel better!" We were laughing so hard. When we asked her why she went behind the door she said that after she had gotten the door open she couldn't move and at that point she didn't really care who saw her because she was in such anguish. I'm sure everyone really appreciated the show as they drove by. =)

Anyway, moving on with our traveling adventures... We drove for another hour or so, and all of a sudden the snow was completely gone (meaning there was no sign of snow anywhere) and the sun was shining. It was the first time we'd seen the sun all day! Shayla said it felt like we had just faced, head on, all our trials at once, and now we had passed the test and were being rewarded. It really did feel like we were on some sort of grand adventure with everyone else that was traveling those roads. All we could do was feel pity for the many many people that had slid off the side of the road and pray that they'd be able to get out soon because there was literally nothing we could do to help them.

After we had made it through all that, as you can imagine, we were pretty hungry. We stopped at Subway, Taco Bell, and one other place that I can't remember so that everyone could get what they wanted to eat. Luckily they were all right in the same general area. =) After dinner we continued on our journey with only 3 hours left till we would be there. As we got nearer to Mesa it started raining again, which would normally be a nuisance, but because of the song that I had had in my head that morning, I knew it was Grandma telling us that she had been and was still watching over us. Her tears were truly falling down, and I'm sure they were tears of joy and sorrow as we mourned her death.

 When we got to Grandfather's house much of the extended family was there, and when we told them of our adventures, and specifically the part when I had told Tiffany that I thought that the family had probably knelt down right then and prayed for us, Mom told us that they had indeed done that. I am so grateful for the power of the Holy Ghost that can convey messages of comfort and can bind us all together in unity and love.

That night at Grandfather's there was a very solemn feeling. Grandfather did not seem like himself and there were tears constantly in his eyes. I've never ever seen my grandfather like that before. He was so depressed and seemed like he had no idea what he was doing there and was still in complete shock. We all sat around, all of us grandchildren with our aunts and parents and Grandfather, and talked of memories that we had of our grandma. Michelle told of an experience that she had when she was younger and was in a bit of a rebellious stage. She lived with Grandma and Grandfather, and Grandma called her mom one day, Aunt Jeannie, and asked what was wrong with Michelle. She told her that she didn't seem happy anymore. When Aunt Jeannie told Michelle what Grandma had said Michelle was angry about it and thought that Grandma was just being nosy and needed to leave her alone. However, as she started to make changes in her life she really grew to appreciate Grandma's love and concern for her. Grandma had been in tune enough and loved Michelle enough that she wanted her to be happy and recognized when she wasn't. We talked about other experiences that we each have had when Grandma had recognized when we needed to make changes in our lives in order to be happy. She always would let you know when you needed to change something or do something better. She was never one to just let you ruin your life without telling you about it first. =)

Grandfather told us of how Grandma died. She had been up cleaning and cooking just a couple days before, but then on Thursday her blood pressure went way down. She was so exhausted, but they were able to get it back up. She was really weak the rest of the day, but seemed to be doing fine. That night Grandfather woke up and she wasn't in bed, which he thought was very strange because she couldn't really even get herself out of bed. He went into the family room and she was sitting in her chair holding a glass of water. He asked her what she was doing, and she said that she was thirsty. He helped her back into bed and finally convinced her to let him call the ambulance. He went outside to show them where to pull in, and they meandered into the bedroom. They were asking her questions and she was responding, but her responses weren't making very much sense. They went to stick an IV in her arm and before the needle even touched her body she was gone. He said that he was standing there watching her and could tell when her Spirit had left her body. The paramedics immediately went into a panic and started ripping her clothes off to try and revive her, but Grandfather said he couldn't stand to watch that, so he just turned around and left the room. He was in complete shock. He loves her so much! They have a love and a bond that I hope to have with my eternal companion.

(This video was put together by Michelle from her wedding.)

The next few days were still filled with that solemn, almost depressing feeling as we all struggled to come to terms with the fact that our grandma, mom, and wife was actually gone. It was such a weird feeling. We all commented frequently on how we just felt like she was out shopping or something and would be home soon. Unfortunately that wasn't the case. Sunday at church was especially weird for all of us. Grandma and Grandfather have been in the Southern Estates ward for 50 plus years. It's the ward that mom and her siblings grew up in and the ward that me and half of my siblings grew up in for almost half of our lives. It was such a strange feeling to be there without Grandma, and it was especially hard to see the shocked expressions and reactions as they announced over the pulpit about Grandma's passing. Many people hadn't heard yet, and it was so unexpected.

That night we all sat around and talked some more and we also had many visitors. Grandma's only remaining brother, Uncle John, and his wife, Aunt Leola, were there, as well as Rosa and Efrain Rodriguez. They and their two kids, Anais and Eduardo, are practically family. Grandma had adopted them years ago as they are from South America and have no family here. Rosa told Grandfather of an experience she had had just the morning after Grandma's passing. She said that Friday night (the night of Grandma's passing) she had felt that she should call and check on Grandma, but she was so tired she went to bed instead. When she found out about what had happened the next morning she was devastated and a bit angry. She was on her knees praying for help when she had a vision. In her vision Grandma appeared to her, a much younger Grandma, and she was all white. She described her as being so peaceful and beautiful. She said that Grandma said (well more thought) the words "I love you" and "It's going to be okay." It was such a sweet and comforting experience for her. When she told this experience to Grandfather however, he was feeling feelings of jealousy. He couldn't understand why she came to Rosa but not to him. He wanted so badly to hear from her. I talked with him for a bit that night about that. We talked about how everyone has different gifts. We also talked about how maybe she couldn't reach him because he was so stressed and couldn't hear her. He was so depressed about it though.

Of course that night when I returned to Tonya's house to get ready for bed I was feeling so sad for Grandfather and feeling so down, but I was so grateful for my wonderful friend Tessa! I talked and cried with her on the phone for the second time since Grandma's passing, and she was so good to just listen. I realized once again how truly blessed I am to have such a wonderful friend as her. 

The next day Tonya, Shayla, and I were a bit late getting back over to Grandfather's and we found out that nobody really knew where he had gone. He had gone off by himself. I saw him walking around outside in the back yard, so I went out to join him. He had a book in his hands, and when he saw me he began to tell me about the book. I could tell that something had changed in him; something was different. The book was all about experiences that people had had and recorded about when they had passed on to the Spirit World and were given the choice to come back here to finish their missions. Grandfather had been walking around reading that book all day, and it was giving him comfort about where Grandma was and what she was doing. Eventually he came inside and I sat and talked with him in his den, just one on one. He shared some of the experiences that he'd read about and he said, "Grandma doesn't want me to be sad. She doesn't want me to mourn, because when I mourn she mourns too. She's allowed to stay here with her body and with her family until her body is buried to offer comfort and support to her loved ones. When we're sad, it makes her sad. I should be happy for her though. She's graduated and has finished her mission here. There's still something I need to do here." He then went on to talk about how some of the people that had recorded their experiences in that book had seen people gathered together to teach and to learn how to read and write so that they could read the Book of Mormon. Many people in the Spirit World have never learned that before. Grandma and Grandfather have served six literacy missions and she's already trained in how to teach that to people. He feels that that's what she's probably doing there. The talk with him reminded me of my other grandma who had also passed on years ago to the Spirit World but was given a choice to either remain there or come back. She chose to come back which is something I will always be grateful for. She's still living today.

After my talk with Grandfather, I left him to continue reading his book, and I went to visit one of most dear friends, Stephanie Simonton. It was so great to be able to talk to someone and hug someone that wasn't involved in what was going on. She was such a comfort to me that day and I will always cherish her friendship.

When I returned back to Grandfather's I received a text message from another dear friend of mine that I had met on my mission, Christine Hopegood. What was so amazing about this text and what was so miraculous is the background behind it. Christine and I haven't been the best at actually keeping in contact since I've been home, and the only time I've heard from her is once on Facebook right after I returned home, and then again when she and her kids, Emma and Lucas, came to Utah for a visit. Anyway, her text just told me that she was thinking about me and hoped that all was well. Now what was so weird and amazing about it is that she had no idea what had been going on with my Grandma. I called her later that night and she said that she had just been thinking of me more than usual so she thought she'd tell me and make sure I was doing okay. I so needed that that night. I had been feeling very lonely previous to that day and wanted so much to know I had more than just one friend that cared about me and truly loved me. I, of course, was shown how silly I was to be feeling that way. Satan really will try to get you any way he possibly can, and often times it's at the lowest and hardest times of your life that he will attack.

That night, Monday, we had an incredible Family Home Evening! We had all of Aunt Jeannie's family there, all of our family there, and some of Uncle Carl's family there- Megan, Jenny, Bonny, Sion, and Camilla. It was so special because we were able to share memories and experiences of Grandma with each other, and Grandfather bore a strong testimony of the Plan of Salvation and of the things that he had previously shared with me about the Spirit World. Our relationships with each other as cousins was definitely strengthened that night, and I know that Grandma was so pleased to see it. Oh, I must mention also that Monday it completely stopped raining. It had been raining constantly since we had gotten there, but that day, the day that Grandfather was able to find joy again, the rain stopped. He had said that she mourned when he mourned, and although he didn't just stop mourning her loss, he wasn't depressed about it anymore. He was happy for her.

The next couple of days were a blur with the viewings and the funeral, but they were also so sweet. We had a viewing at Bunker's Mortuary Tuesday night and were able to see another of Uncle Carl's kids- Hilary. We even got to see someone from Dad's side of the family- Uncle Jared and Cheyenne. It was so great to see them and have them there.

Wednesday was the funeral and the second viewing right before. It was so weird to see Grandma's body, but surprisingly, it wasn't as difficult as I expected it would be. She didn't look like her. However, he hands were definitely her's. I got to hold her hand and tell her one last time how much I love her. Aunt Dana made a comment about her hands too. She said that they were the same hands that had done so much for her throughout her life. Grandma's hands were always serving others. Even right up to the day she died she was making meals for Grandfather's sister, Aunt Orva Jean, and taking them to her because Aunt Orva Jean couldn't do it for herself.

The funeral was such a beautiful service. Sion read the poem that Grandfather wrote for Grandma throughout the years- one verse at a time. He wrote it because she always said that he didn't understand her, so he wanted to show her that he did. It's called "The Girl Inside", and he wrote the last verse to it the day after she died. Then, Grandma's only living sister, Aunt Mary Louise, gave her early life sketch which was followed by a piano number, "Claire de Lune", by Uncle Carl. After his musical number Mom, Aunt Jeannie, and Michelle gave her later life sketch together at the pulpit. It was very casual and laid back which is exactly how Grandma would have wanted it. Following that, Marie sang "O Divine Redeemer" and she did such a beautiful job and the Spirit was so strong. Then, Aunt Dana bore her testimony of the Plan of Salvation, and finally all of us grandchildren (almost all 36 of us, but we were missing Robert, Jacob, and Steven) sang "Love at Home". I could barely sing it at all due to the emotion and tears, but we did end up singing it very beautifully. I couldn't help but think that Grandma was probably standing right in front of us and most likely had tears of joy as she listened to us all sing together. There was some bonding and healing that had taken place with some of her grandchildren that she had spent so much of her later years trying to help with. She was probably so happy to see that with her death she finally accomplished what she had been trying so hard to do before. At the grave site all of us granddaughters (minus Sophie) sang "The Lord is My Shepherd" which was such a great song to describe Grandma and what her life represented. I know she must have enjoyed the song.

(This is a recording of us singing at the grave site.)

After the funeral, we attended the luncheon, and then Tiff and Scott, Shayla, and I hit the road to start on our journey back home to Utah. Just before we left the luncheon we were saying goodbye to Grandfather, and he told us how much he loved us and that he could see the righteousness in us. He thanked us for being such a support to him, and expressed how grateful he was that we were able to be there and also, especially, how grateful he was that Tonya was there for him so soon after Grandma's passing. It was so hard to leave him, but we had to be back for work the next day.

Our drive home was not quite as adventurous as the drive down had been, but it wasn't without adventure at all. We got pulled over because Tiff's lights were out on her car. He didn't give us a ticket, but told us to get them fixed. We had already realized they were out and had been using our brights. We stopped around midnight at Walmart in St. George to replace the bulbs ourselves and spent an hour and a half there trying to get them to work. Finally a mechanic stopped to help and told us that it wasn't the bulbs but was the fuse or something. So, we basically wasted a bunch of money and time. We got back on the road, continued using our brights, and made it home around 4:30 am. We unpacked, Shayla headed to work, I showered, got ready, and went to the temple. (I didn't want to go to sleep right before work because I knew that I would be even more tired when I woke up if I did.) I basically slept the whole time at the temple anyway. Well, I was in and out. =) Shayla and I both made it through work, but Tiffany didn't end up going because after she got home she went to sleep for a bit before work and woke up sick- throwing up.

Anyway, that was basically our week. It was full of many adventures, but it was a week that I will never forget and will always be grateful for. I love my family so much and am so grateful that we have the opportunity to be an eternal family. I just pray with all my heart that we all will make the choices in this life so that we can make it to the Celestial Kingdom and live together as a forever family. Grandma Velma Skouson Freestone will be and is already greatly missed, but she has left a great legacy and a shining example in her wake. Even though I can't see her, I know that she will be watching over us through those holes in the floor of Heaven. I can't wait to see her again!

Velma Skouson Freestone

Back row: Kelsi, Shannon, Me, Lynnae, Bonny, and Kyra (with Lydia in her arms)

Front row: Aunt Jeannie, Grandma, and Grandfather