Life Back in the "Real World"

Hello fellow bloggers. I know... It's been a little over a year and a half since I've written- for good reasons though! =) So, reading over my last blogs that I wrote brings back very distant memories for me. I wonder, "Who is that girl that wrote on my blog a year and a half ago?" It sure wasn't me. That's really been a theme in my thoughts since I've been home from my mission. It was the best and hardest thing I've ever done. I learned exactly the things that I wanted to learn though. I've had a lot of time to think about what it is that I actually learned, and I am constantly full of gratitude for the opportunity that I had to serve the Lord. So, I've talked a lot to people about the many great experiences I had on my mission and the many wonderful people that I met and that touched my life, but I haven't really expressed my feelings about how I've felt since I've been home, back in "real life", and I'm not really sure how I can express those feelings. It's like I've stepped back into my familiar world that I've always known but I don't know or recognize anything in it. Everything and everybody has changed so much! The biggest change however, is me. I've changed so much that I just don't really know where I fit back in to things. It's been so interesting and amazing to me to watch myself react or not react to things that I normally would have done opposite before my mission. (I don't know if that even makes sense.) Well, let me tell you of the biggest miracle that has occurred in my own personal life through my mission. Before my mission I had issues that I just couldn't seem to find the root of despite all my prayers and the studying that I had done to try and defeat the feelings that I felt. I knew that I wasn't seeing things the way that most people saw things, and although I didn't like it, I didn't really know how to change it. Well, throughout my mission I had some of the hardest experiences I've ever experienced. I was placed in situations that I had no control over and I had to face some of my greatest fears and some of the things that I had the hardest time understanding about myself and my feelings. Throughout the entire year and a half I felt like I was always so weak and just never doing enough good. As I look back now and as I see the changes in me I realize now that the reason I was in so much pain was because I was being molded. I was taught something very profound by a guy that I had met one day, taught him the Plan of Salvation, set a baptismal date with him, and then never saw him again. I am left to assume that the reason we met him that day was so I could learn something from he. He made one comment that I'm sure he didn't realize was even very profound at the time, but he said, "Nothing can grow unless there's friction. Unless you feel friction then you aren't growing." Friction is sometimes painful, but once you get through it you come out a lot smoother and more refined. One lesson I learned is that I don't need anyone to make me happy. Sure, people are great, and I definitely want friends, but it's not friends or even family that make me happy. My happiness and joy comes directly from my Savior now. I feel that I could lose everything and still be happy. There were moments on my mission when I felt so completely alone and felt that I really did have nothing and nobody (in a sense that was true because of restrictions on who I could and couldn't communicate with). I remember specific instances when I was lying on the floor of the bathroom (the only place I could be alone) and was sobbing and praying for help and comfort. One instance that I will never forget happened one night after a particularly hard and lonely day for me. I felt defeated. I felt that I could do no more and needed heavenly help. My companion and I knelt to say our gratitude prayer before bed together, as we always did. This night it was my turn. I expressed my gratitude for all the blessings that we and our families and friends had been blessed with. At the close of my prayer I felt exhausted and had no strength nor ability to get up off the floor. I continued in silent prayer with my face toward the ground. I pleaded, through my silent sobs, with my Heavenly Father for strength to continue on. I felt that I couldn't go on anymore and felt that I had too heavy of a load to carry. As I stated before, I was defeated. As I continued praying, my companion, unaware of the feelings that I was currently feeling, stayed on floor beside me- silently. After a while (which seemed like an hour to me) I found the strength to walk to my bed and fell directly asleep, in my skirt and all. The next morning I began my studies still full of despair and defeat, but with a slight strength that hadn't been there the night before. At one point during our studies my companion spoke up and said, "Last night was cool." I looked at her strangely wondering what about "last night" could possibly be considered "cool". As I stared at her questioningly she expounded briefly by saying, "We weren't alone." With that statement my heart swelled with gratitude for the love of my Savior and for those angels that had been sent to strengthen me, unbeknownst to me, in one of my lowest points of despair. I learned from that experience that at our lowest times, when we feel that no one is there for us and we can't be comforted, as we are on our knees pleading for help and strength yet feeling completely defeated, those are the times that His arms are wrapped around us the tightest as He carries the load with us and gives us the strength to endure- the strength that He never received as He endured that same pain. His strength was all His own. Even then I didn't realize the impact that experience would have on me. I don't think that I realize even now the impact that it will further have on me, but I do know of the impact that it has had on me. I know that my Savior lives and that He loves me. I know that no matter how hard life gets or seems He has a plan and will not leave me alone. Because I know those things, I can have the patience to endure my trials. So, back to the beginning of this blog... I may feel like I don't really have a place where I fit in right now, but that's okay. I don't need anything except my Savior to be happy. I will do whatever He would have me do because I trust that He has a plan for me. I rejoice in my trials because I know that when I make it through to the other side I will be one step closer to my Heavenly Father. I am learning line upon line and precept upon precept, here a little and there a little, and I will keep on keeping on. With that said I feel that I must also express my gratitude for the wonderful blessings I have received since coming home. I've thoroughly enjoyed spending time with my family and getting to know my younger siblings all over again. I've had time to spend with them that I never had before. I have also had time to spend with my parents and with my older sister, Tiffany. I've had deep conversations with them and with my other sister, Tonya, as we've shared personal experiences and things that have brought us even closer together. I have been blessed with continued opportunities to serve the Lord in numerous ways through my church callings and friendships with others. I now can see things and people a little more through the Savior's eyes and recognize that people really can and do change. I feel the desire to give everyone the benefit of the doubt no matter what they may have done in the past. It's what I would love from those that have known me in the past. I hope to never be known as that person again. So, how's real life treating me? Well, I'd say I'm doing pretty dang good. =)